Thursday, August 20, 2009
If a man dares to dream, they label him as a lunatic.
If he dares not venture out of his castle, they label him a coward.
If a man fears, they laugh.
If he's courageous, they taunt.
If he believes in his own abilities more than anything else, they break him down.
The man has nowhere to go, caught up in the complexity of his own thoughts.
So, where is he now?
Is he still fighting to find the passion deep inside himself that he once embraced?
Or has he been utterly defeated, killed by his very dreams and ambitions?
He has been fighting an unknown enemy.
No.. Wait. I.
I have been fighting an unknown enemy, which seems to feed on my fears, manipulate my mental stability, and manifest in my dreams. I am breaking down, and I'm trying to hold on. I'm trying. But it isn't working.
Everything's falling apart at the seams, while I'm sitting down, powerless to do anything. It's like watching your own demise unfurl before your very eyes. Hearing your own screams, looking into your own bloodshot eyes. It's demonic poetry.
God where are you in this?
Why have you forsaken me?
God, if you truly cared, strike me down now.
KILL ME GOD. PLEASE. I IMPLORE YOU.
TAKE THIS PAIN, THIS STRESS, THESE DEEP REGRETS AWAY.
Just do it. Before I do it myself.
To any of my readers who still read this blog.
I'm not writing this for sympathy, you can fucking keep it.
I'm not trying to do anything special, you motherfuckers are not worth it.
Don't try and portray any masks of empathy, acting as if you've been through my shit or you've been through worse.
Spare me your pathetic life stories.
I don't need any of those right now.
Hell, I'm at my breaking point.
What do I care?
It's either I slowly die off, or I become stronger.
The latter seems strangely impossible.
I do wonder.
//8:24 PM//
Thursday, July 02, 2009
This blog was/is dead.
Time to revive it. (3 cheers!)
I need to change everything, bloody outdated.
Anyohhow, been really busy.
SAF Day just ended, so all that's left is NDP, which yours truly is involved.
I won't too much about the other aspects of my life, since I am in no mood, and the walls have ears, or in this case, bytes.
...... never mind.
I should have pictures of my number 1 uniform (:
Or maybe not, geez.
It's getting more and more depressing.
Just how long more before I snap?
God, I miss her.
I fucking miss her.
//1:31 AM//
Monday, March 23, 2009
My goals!
By end of 2009. (Which is this year)
1) Earning a minimum 5 figure salary.
2) Getting my s15, with license of cos. :p
That's bout it for now. Mid term goals (:
Life is good.
Puff after puff. (:
//10:37 PM//
Friday, March 06, 2009
Good day mates.
I wouldn't under any normal circumstances blog.
But under the constant nagging of *ahem* GEORGINA aka NANA, here I am.
So what can I say about my life so far since the last time I blogged? (Which was eons ago by the way.
NS has been a bitch.
FEAR 2 and Left4Dead has been fun as hell!
I know what it means to really want a dream, create desires and therefore create wealth.
I've gotten more tired everyday, sadly.
Actually, a lot of things really.
Sometimes I wonder, what is love?
I think it about for a day or 2, before settling into the conclusion that it is just a lie.
Maybe I'm right. haha.
But apart from that, if anyone didn't know me or talk to me recently.
I picked up a habit.
And yes, you will be shocked.
Because normally, I wouldn't have done it. lol.
hahahah.
So meet me! (:
Yes I'm talking to you. NANA. heh.
//10:07 PM//
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Cast your eye tears on to me
And I'll show you what you really need
Give too much attention
And I'll reflect your imperfections
Purposeless survival
Now there's nothing left to die for
So don't struggle to recognize
Now the cruelly heart-felt suicide
Can't you see it's over ?
Because you're the God of a shrinking universe
//11:00 PM//
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Ok I'm pissed.
Let's see, I've gotten stay out which essentially is an 8-5 thing in camp (somewhat).
So, I'm just waiting to see the specialist, in which she flares up and says what for?
I didn't really get much of a chance to explain.
Ever since I had gotten stay out, I can say that I'm a much happier and confident person.
I seriously don't mind doing hard work, or contributing to whatever needs to be done, because at the end of the day, I can go back home to my life, where I'm actually in control. In fact I've been feeling less moody have greater motivation to finish up the work.
In camp, there's really nothing much to do at all. In fact, it's utterly depressing and having a tight leash on you, being trapped and having no way out. Yes that's exactly how I feel. Like a dog in a cage with a rein so tight it's almost strangling me. But it's not as if I had a choice, it's not as if I chose to serve this country. My 2 businesses are starting off, plans are going well, and I need to focus my attention on those. Spending a week in camp, unable to go home, plan and confirm a meeting with my associates or drop by the office will drive me insane, seriously.
And at least I'm doing something about it. People grumble and complain on and on. Ok I do complain, but at least I'm taking steps to make it better, at least I'm taking steps to fight this fucking depression inside of me. I'm not sitting around waiting for the world to drop, I'm controlling the strings that control the world, my world.
Look mum, you won't understand, and probably won't anytime soon.
My businesses are my life, they are my drive, and my motivation. if you were to force a complete halt on them, I swear I'd rather slit my own throat, because frankly there isn't a lot of things to live for in life. Or my life, but whatever. I have big dreams and bigger ambitions. Hell, you're gonna have to kill me before you take my drive away.
In camp, it's hard enough for me not to be there at any meetings or gatherings physically and as a leader, as a partner, it's what I demand of myself, nothing less than that. Now I'm pretty sure you get the point, so I shall not continue further.
It doesn't matter if you don't wanna believe me, in fact I don't care if anyone doesn't.
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women actors.
You called me a disappointment? Fine.
No really though, I'm terribly terribly sorry (and I do emphasize on terribly) if my idea of being a success in life is not to study study study, find a job and slog the day until I die. No that's stupid, and really fucked up.
You just wait and see what I can and will achieve.
I'll just list them out now.
1) By end Dec 2009, I will be making a regular income of at least 5 figures a month.
2) I will have a full DJ Rig.
3) Buying an S15 with Mark next year :D
4) And let's not forget my driving license.
Only 4 of them, but those are my goals, parts of my dream I want to achieve for this year alone.
And what I say, I will do, or earlier even.
Can't my own mother even give me the support in this?
I have plenty of people supporting me, working with me.
But to have your own mother bring you down like that.
So what if in NS I'm just a small fry?
NS is nothing in the outside world.
Even if I achieve something great inside, so what?
It does not equate to success outside, and vice versa.
Perhaps you've tried to talk me out of all this,
or dissuade me even.
But it's not working.
It will only make my strong will even stronger.
And nothing will step in the way of my ambitions.
//7:52 PM//
Friday, November 14, 2008
And so I'm back.
As SW said in my board, my laptop screen suddenly died.
I was like What The Fuck.
No, really.
So just got a new custom com, so far so great. (:
But many many things have happened since then, but well life goes on.
Life goes on.
Can't let a few setbacks push me from my dreams right? =)
I still have so many things I want to do,
so much money to make,
so many dreams to achieve.
Ah yes, the world will be mine.
Hope that special someone comes along my way soon (:
It gets lonely, both at home and in camp.
I just wished for a real love at times.
Anybody wanna be my girlfriend? lmao.
Ah well.
Something I just wrote below, to my other self.
Which I assume to be my alter egos, or something.
Beautiful depression of mine.
If such is my life, if such is my petty fate.
Then I would rather not live at all.
For what is the use of living dear friends,
if we only face hurt, pain, and an ever growing longing that can never be satisfied.
If our days were spent drinking, puffing and wasting ourselves away,
if the minutes of our lives were spent on regret after regret,
and woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Then what is the use of the future then?
What is the purpose for our very living, our very existence?
When the past has pain that refuses to let go,
when the present overwhelms us with chaos and turmoil,
and when the future paints a nightmare of paranoia and fear.
What then is there to live for my dear friends?
And of all you should know best, for the number of you,
you have been in my head the entire time.
You have spoken to me, guided me, led me by the hand through uncharted waters.
In all, you have been the voice of assurance, the food for my spirit which was crying out for.
You have given me peace, you have given me promises of love, you have satisfied a longing I never knew I had, but most of all, you have been leading me into this fiery pit in hell, where my soul shall burn and wither away like the nothingness it first came from.
Oh how I have been fooled, how I have been deceived, how I have been fucked.
Oh, irony has taken on a new meaning.
You are killing me, all of you. Every single one of you I know.
I am like a sheep, waiting to be slaughtered,
and all of you in the shadows, waiting, like thieves in the night.
Yet when I see you I smile and hug you, knowing full well I am walking into my death.
My dear dear friends, thank you for giving me the chance to ruin my fucking life.
Thank you for making me into the person I am, for helping me lose the people I love, for making love to be nothing but mere lies.
When it was so blatantly obvious the fault was mine time after time,
you assured me it wasn't so.
Now my friend, your facade has fallen, your acting fallen short,
I see who you really are,
even if you are in just my head and my head alone.
I will kill you.
I will torment you for the pain you have caused me.
I will fuck you over and over and over till you are dead,
even if it means killing myself to do that.
Ah, sweet sweet depression, how I miss thee.
//6:37 PM//
