Saturday, October 04, 2008
Life sucks.
Simply put, it sucks like hell.
If anyone had noticed for the last few posts, I had really tried to control on my use of vulgarities for the last few posts. It worked pretty well but the only reason why I really initiated that was because Eleanor was like against people who used, or rather abused vulgarities. I tried to keep that in check now and then, but now, to hell with it. Since she doesn't care, doesn't give a damn, then I guess the more I say the more I try the more I try to show her I love her the more it gets worse.
I suppose I should have known there was never a chance between us in the freirst place. But I lied to myself again and again, trying to convince myself that there was some hope, no matter how faint it was, or if it was ever there in the first place. I could never ever let go, no matter what. That's me.
Ever since I enlisted, I have questioned my sanity again and again. When you are unable to diiferentiate between right and wrong, when your demons are everywhere, and you can't escape, what do you do?
I've been slipping in and out of depression, having anxiety attacks, shitloads of mental stress and fearing for the next day, next hour, next min, every single fucking second even at home, my "comfort zone". But even that has turned into hell. In fact, I lost my temper again this afternoon. Mum wouldn't let me go out because I was still sick and thus had to rest. To hell with it. I was going to meet one of my guys I was gunning for in my team and it was a crucial one at that. He's talented, capable and I needed just that bit more of convincing to get him on my growing team. Still she complained and started trying to get me to be sympethetic and what she was doing was for my own good. Bullshit.
I waited 2 fucking weeks just to come back, and 2 days before book out, I had the flu virus and it had gotten pretty bad. Fine, I restricted myself to go out as little as possible though I had many places to go and I sucked it up like some asshole bitch. Tuesday night it became worse, fucking migraine took over and it was a fucking pain even to sleep. Imagine yourself lying on your bed while your head was throbbing like a jackhammer, driving right into your fucking brain. You tilt your head a little, the pain worsens. You cough or sneeze (and you have plenty of it) it goes into overdrive and you wish you were dead. You wake up at god forsaken hours in the morning just to pee and you go back and cann't fucking sleep. Worse case for me was tossing and turning in bed for 3 fucking hours, having the pain slowly kill my life away.
Only hope for me left is my business outside.
I can run a business, I can lead a team, I can pull strings to get what I want, and I can make $ from nothing.
Throw me onto an island and implement regimentation on me, this is the me now. Depressed, always fearing for what's going to happen next, my insides screaming to just let me fucking die. Sucidal tendencies included.
Ironic no? The 2 different sides of me.
I had plans for my future, big plans.
My team of people are some of the most capable minds I know. Our skills are constantly improving, our chemistry smooth as silk, our plannings detailed and secure, our executions impeccable. Each of us have fallen in wanting to venture out for the greater opportunities that life had instead of conforming to the cookie cutter and working till the day we fucking die. But like the ashes of the phoenix we have risen up and together the change we will bring will be massive, and even that is an understatement.
Our team evergrowing, our talents limitless, our power has no limit, our influence projected to the masses, and they will follow.
I'm that kind of guy.
Give me 5,6 maybe 7 years.
I'll either be watching my millions grow or be so fucking broke that I'll be swimming in debt after debt till I have to declare myself a bankrupt, but the latter wont be so likely.
Such a contrast in my character.
"But, we can still be friends". she said.
Inside, I'm already suffering enough. Like there aren't enough voices and thoughts telling to jump off the building or to stab myself in my heart. I guess she hit the jackpot. 1 more step to my grave.
Yes, I'm going insane.
Even the plans I had for my future aren't enough to sustain me now.
What more is there to live for? Nothing I suppose.
//8:22 PM//
