Saturday, November 01, 2008
It has happened again.
So it has.
Lured into a lie by someone I would die for,
and betrayed, thrown aside just like that.
Certainly isn't the first time that had happened, but from her?
So much trust misplaced,
so many lies told,
so much pain, disappointment, hate.
I hate him for wanting her back when she already was mine.
I hate her for leaving me in the dark just like that.
And most of all, I hate myself for falling into such lies, deceptions time and time again.
I hate myself for trusting her,
for wanting to be with her,
for wanting to take care of her,
but most of all,
for wanting to love her.
To recap, I've been calling and messaging her in camp, but she had neither replied nor called back. Till yesterday, I called her phone, and this guy with a falsetto voice picked up. In layman terms, sibei guai lan. Which translates to the moment you hear this motherfucker talk, you wanna beat the shit out of him, and to beat him I wanted. But since I couldn't, I sreamed into my phone: "GO TO FUCKING HELL".
I then shut the phone off and proceeded to fall deeper into my demise.
The motherfucker called back,
of which (thankfully) the other storeman Azim was there.
Just wanna say thanks to Azim and Sgt Adam for being there for me, just talking into some sense when I could find none inside.
What can you do when you feel so much angst inside but no matter what, you can't take it out?
Went to 7-11, met up with a neglected friend, or friends.
Good ole Long island Tea.
Common stuff, and though it's only 11%, the mixture kills, seriously.
Can't remember how many I downed, but plenty of Carlsberg followed soon after.
For a moment in these tiring time, I forgot my pains.
For a moment, I numbed myself from the disappointment.
For a moment, I smiled at nothing and laughed at the slightest things.
For a moment, and not for a long time, I had experienced such dizzy euphoria.
For a moment, I had been taken up to Heaven, and watched pitifully at those below me.
For a moment, her hands were locked onto mine.
For a moment, our lips had touched.
And in a fleeting moment, she was gone.
Of course, getting wasted alone isn't fun.
Thus, if anyone wants to go drinking, call me along.
And I don't know if this is relevant but Eileen i'm sorry.
Sorry for doing something so stupid like that in the first place,
and sorry for not keeping my promise to stop drinking.
I can't get her out of my head,
I can't forgot the memories, tho it was as short as it came.
I can't forget her hands, and how i liked to just hold them tightly,
I can't forget the terribly cute way she flinched when I tried to pinch her nose.
I can't forget her voice.
I can't forget her eyes, for they are forever painted inside my head now.
I can't forget the way we just hugged, and acted like time itself was non-existant.
I can't forget her smses.
I CAN'T FORGET ANY SINGLE GOD DAMN FUCKING THING.
Wound's still fresh, I'm still licking them.
In time, it might heal.
But for now, I hurt.
Probably will be drinking every book out, so if any of you guys wanna drink, call me out.
As an ending, though it hurts like fuck.
Life still has to go on, no?
Still have to adjust in my new unit, in my new vocation.
And my dreams outside, always big, getting bigger,
I just wished I had a girl to share such ambitions and happiness with.
Something I wrote for Nana. Hope she reads it.
For almost all of my love life, I had been nothing but hurt, and betrayed.One young man's mere dream of finding someone he could share his love with,shattered time and time again.With you, I had my reservations, I had my doubts, I saw plenty of shortcomings.But still, I decided that I would want to love you, no matter what.Yes, I'm in the army, but I was very willing to sacrifice.My whole weekends could be burned out just spending time with you,but that was something I could see myself doing.In fact, that was something I wanted to do.I had many many plans for us.From eating some of the best food in Singapore,to some of the most beautiful sights, comparable to someone only as beautiful as you.To just spending the night in a park, looking at the full moon and stars, in each other's arms.But that is one of my gravest mistakes, of thinking so much about what I could do with you,that I ruled out the fact completely that you could just leave me, like you did.I should have been smarter, but I let such feelings and love get in the way of my logic.To that end, I thank you Georgina, for letting me know that I could still love someone with that same fire and passion as I have did in the past.And thank you again, for killing it off and letting it die, me with it.I would never know if I could, or want to love someone with such feelings again,for it has become a fear, my fear.I loved you with my whole heart,yet you left me, broken and bleeding inside.P.S. I miss you.Well, back to drinking.
Drowning all my sorrows, in 5 bottles of Long island tea.
And probably some leftover Bailey's and Bombay Sapphire Gin.
//1:33 PM//
